Tuesday, February 9, 2010
reconciling the past..
my godmother was a woman whom my mother was partnered with at the time of my birth. had they not split up when i was two i probably would be calling her my mother right now, but alas they did..and so she stayed in my life through an occasional visit to her wonderful little world of a home...she taught me about the unseen. the potential of the human mind..inspired me about making a difference in the world...told me i could do anything...she was my soul mama all around and gave me so much. she suffered from multiple sclerosis and so was bedridden and my whole life was in and out of hospitals..therefore when i got a call 2 months before my 21st birthday that she needed to go back to the hospital this didnt phase me as much as it should have, or would have to someone else with a different experience. i was young...i was experiencing a life that i had always dreamed....living in an amazing house in berkeley with amazing friends...we performed together in a circus and i was living the dream...being 20 i was also extremely distracted and oblivious to a few things..especially famiy related. anyways, needless to say i got off the phone with my godmother and went on about my life. two months later, days before my 21st birthday, i got another call. my godmothers roommate. "where have you been???Diane is so sick...she needs you.." i was suddenly brought back to earth...she had said she would be out in a few weeks...but time have slipped by...i rushed down there...walked into her hospital room and beheld a site that i will never forget. she was so far gone..so close to the end...i could barely recognize her. she looked up at me and said "Where have you been?" her eyes were so hurt..so betrayed..i was filled with the most shame and guilt i have ever experienced. IT WAS MY FAULT. she said so. i left crying like never before and while i was able to go back and make peace with her before she died, her words haunted me for years...after she passed i took up and left the city..i hitchhiked to rainbow gatherings, i joined the hare krishnas...and went to burning man...it was the summer of 2001. trying to hide from this deep shame and pain of killing my godmother i hid behind a facade of fantasy and drugs...we were bad ass...the style was impeccable..the dream complete..the music was sexy..the intention was pure...i knew that what we had should be shared with the world and i knew that my voice, and my songs could take us there...on the morning of the last day i dropped an innocent hit of acid..the party was just getting started afterall..i went on about my morning until about an hour later i suddenly broke down...i was screaming and crying and even the love of the goddess temple couldnt appease me...my most amazing of friends tried to calm me down...tried to give me peace..but i was in agony..i was experiencing the death of my godmother and all the torment i had been suppressing...i started fading in and out of consciousness..and suddenly i could feel two paths emerging..one path was the path of love...i would live a happy life where i cared for the people around me and was loved in return...or i could lead a path of success..where i would achieve all of my wildest dreams of being a superstar and sharing my music with the world..but the sacrifice would be love. what it would take to get there would mean leaving all of my love behind..i would end up alone and miserable..loved by the world but loving no one. these were the two paths ahead of me. i could go between them with my consciousness...but i had to choose..the trip finally ended but that feeling of pain, that i could never have everything i wanted...that i would have to choose between an open heart or a dream fullfilled has stuck with me since then. ive processed it many times and even made amends with her on a beach in Bali the first time i went out there...i spoke with her through the fullest of moons and she forgave me..and i forgave myself..it was resolved on one level that night..but now, years later from even then, sitting in the arclight movie theater...it was resolved on an even deeper level. i have been confronted with the purest of loves recently..and in facing this path of finding love i have been afraid..afraid that by giving into it i would loose something else..this fear of love has effected my relationships with all of my friends..i hold back. i dont give them the love i know i have because im so afraid of losing myself to it.. i want so much to share my music with the world and achieve the level of success and artistic quality that i see in my mind..and i have been holding onto this idea that i dont deserve it..that on some level i am broken and evil and can never achieve everything i desire..but last night...i got it. i saw the scared little boy who was just distracted and missed the last days of his godmothers life...the little boy who loved so much that the pain in his godmothers eyes was too much to bear..who took on the guilt and the shame and resolved never to love again because he let her die...In the arms of a new love, i was able to see this and let it go on such a deep level. i feel more free today than ever before. i feel liberated and empowered and i am so ready to love the world and share my music with the world without fear and the biggest gift is that having taken this on i can bring her into my life again..she can once again be my guide and my muse and my mentor..and i can let her in... ive always wondered why i keep killing all my plants..and now i know that i have been unwilling to love them for fear of destroying them and myself. today i buy a fern. which is my favorite plant that always dies. i am ready to love it and the world and my family and my lover.... love...i am yours.
Posted by Cassidy Haley at 8:02 AM