Sunday, December 16, 2007

climate change report: we suck.

notice the good old USA down in the second to last placement....fuck us. in the ass. with something long and sharp and reeking of climate change...
"those that dont evolve, become obsolete" I'm sure someone fabulous said that at some point...
(sorry about the on the image to get a better view)

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Gay: sex or culture?

So I was chatting with a good friend about cha-chas and chu-chus and who was sticking what in whos and all of a sudden something dawned on me...something I've been churning around in my mind these past few weeks as I navigate my way through a newly single life of girl and boy potentials. Defining my sexuality has always been hard (so to speak, hehe). For years I refused to use the word "gay" or even "bi-sexual" choosing instead to use new-agy definitions like "open" and "free-spirited" which, while basically defining my sexuality, was always a rather cumbersome and, dare I say, slightly pretentious way of putting things.
I would give long drawn out explanations to people, even those I had just met, about labels and choices and spiritual revolutions. I would correct people if they DID call me gay, adamantly professing my disassociation, desperately needing people to understand me as a progressive, undefinable being. Its not that any of this is no longer true, but what Ive realized is that in my obsessive quest for un-definability, I let a deep, internal homophobia make its way to the surface. boisterously professing my love of women while diminishing my desire for men... The truth is I was afraid of being weak and hurt and tormented, like everything gay I'd seen in the media and even experienced as a child (Going from a free-loving house of lesbians to a general education elementary school can be rather trying for a boy who knew nothing of gender roles). Anyone can see the hardship and the long upward struggle gays face and somewhere inside I wanted nothing to do with it.
But, as much as I try to resist, the fact is I AM gay. Even though Ive slept with women, and plan on sleeping with them again, and may even end up married to a woman, being gay is a part of my culture. My mother's gay, my father's gay, I went to my first Gay Day parade at five years old. I knew about AIDS and its tragedy at 10 and, all in all, gay culture is embedded in me like a religion. So beyond all the progressive notions of openness and freedom, I can still choose in this moment to define myself, in this way, with pride. I guess, in a way, this is my coming out...Hello world, Im GAY! didnt know if you'd accept me, but here I am regardless. There I've said it...I am gay. funny to be coming out 10 years after the fact..
but ladies, please, don't let that stop you (wink)

Saturday, December 8, 2007

first thoughts....a spewing

So I'm writing a blog. My mind manically switches between the fear of an empty destination that no one cares about to the pressure of being a beacon of sanity for hundreds and hundreds of people.....delusions of grandeur? maybe..
but I do have a hope for this world and a desire to do my part, albeit from a distance...

Don't get me wrong
, I'm ecstatic that Al Gore turned the seemingly un-turnable tides and started the "Green Age"....but, I find myself suddenly smack dab in the doldrums of common society, an awkward place for a self-proclaimed outsider who builds his life on exclusivity. It seems there is a vague "swiss cheese" factor in the concept of environmentalism that didn't exist four years ago. It leaves a slightly bitter taste in my mouth.
Or is it just that in my backwards, jaded way, I now I have nothing to fight against? no "them" with their refusal to face the truth of inevitable calamity, suddenly the whole world see's the truth and instead of celebrating the victory of humanity's realization..I retreat to a place where I can once again identify myself by what I am fighting.....or better yet, its the death of my "apocalyptic disaster as a platform for a musical career"... dashed to pieces as the concept of global ruin becomes a mainstream topic and even "My Chemical Romance" is heralding the impeding disaster as seen in their hit music video for "the black parade" that was supposed to be me god damn it!!!.................
jesus... am I really that self centered?
My ex-boyfriend thinks so. He's usually right, the bastard.
it seems my hero complex strikes again.....